Tales from a frustrated pregnant mama

This is been the most frustrating season of my entire life.  I couldn't be more excited for Sophie's arrival this fall, but pregnancy and I do not get along.  At all.  Most of my readers already know the early part of this adventure...the month that somehow vanished into thin (literally) air in a wave of nausea and overwhelming weight loss.  I never expected to have to leave my job in order to survive my pregnancy, but that's just what I did.  Thank goodness for the ladies of our congregation, who made homemade meals several nights a week, and my parents who managed to supplement to get us through the month.  I spent the entire growing season last summer preserving food to use this winter/spring before the next harvest, and while most of it was used over the winter, the rest still sits, hoping that I will be well enough to make something delicious to eat.
But, the sad truth is that I'm just not well enough.  I was able to go back to work in mid April, and I do just fine getting through most work days.  Luckily, unlike with my other pregnancies, I am able to sit most of the day, and I can arrange my schedule around what allows me to feel my best.  Unfortunately, by the time I get home, all my energy has been used up.  I can continue to help support my family by working, but when I get home, I feel like a ghost of myself, unable to do much but lay down and mumble a few conversations.  My house is a wreck, and being able to stand in the kitchen to cook is too much.  Gone are the days of going to farms in the late afternoon, and spending most of the daylight hours in the garden.  And, all the while, most people think that since I'm "well enough" to work again, that I am fine.
I had a brief time of hope, where I felt decent.  I took my anti-nausea remedies regularly, and I was able to nurture my seedlings and get them arranged in attractive rows in the gardens out back.  I've even managed to keep them alive for a month after planting.  Most exciting, was that the short time I felt almost human was also strawberry season.  I was able to crawl around on my hands and knees and collect enough berries to put up 10 bags for the winter.  Still, during this time, I was able to squeeze out a few decent home cooked meals, but little else.  My family was lucky if I was able to cook 2-3 times a week.  So began our excessive restaurant visits.
The biggest problem with this period of time, is that I look and act healthy a great deal of the time.  In fact, if I am sitting or laying down, I feel pretty good.  I think that's why most people assume I am "back to normal."  But, I'm entering the phase of pregnancy that I like to call my fainting phase.  My first 2 pregnancies, because I was either caught off guard, or because of the extreme heat in the midwest, where I lived at the time, I actually fainted several times.  I even fainted during the labor and delivery of my 2nd child.  I don't really blame this on my pregnancy, because I've always been sensitive to extreme temperature changes.  In the midwestern heat, I don't adapt well to going from a well air conditioned building to the steamy outdoors.  My blood pressure bottoms out, and I can hit the floor quickly if I'm not extremely careful.  Pregnancy really seems to exacerbate this condition, though.  My blood vessels, whether due to hormonal changes or the pressure of the growing baby, don't seem to keep the circulation going enough to keep me going.  Again, this only affects me if I stand for too long.  The problem is that too long is really only a matter of a few minutes.  Have you ever tried to cook with fresh produce without standing up?  I can sit to chop and prepare, but most of the veggies still require me to get up and either throw them on the grill or the stovetop steamer.  And forget meat dishes.  I can't get past the raw meat long enough to cook it.  So, what I have now is an abundance of veggies and no way to prepare them unless they are in a raw salad.  If anyone wants to know what restaurants can do to an already struggling budget, just look at my bank account.  The taste of restaurant food, more times than not, is much worse than what I can make at home.  More than that, though, is my disappointment in not being able to feed my family in a way that I think is healthy.
Probably the saddest realization, though, comes from the fact that the effects from this will be a year long, not just for the next 4 months.  In order to preserve most veggies for the winter (which in upstate NY is looooooong!), I have to be able to wash, chop, boil, and blanch them.  This requires hours of standing in a hot kitchen some nights.  Did I find this past winter's eating to be worth it? YES!  Can I do it this year?  No.  I've tried, believe me, but it leaves me shaky and most often headed to my bed to rest when I'm right smack in the middle of a processing.  Sometimes I push it just a little too far and I get as far as the tunnel vision and hearing loss that happens right before I'm down. I haven't finished a cooking session yet, where I felt well enough to continue on with my day as planned.  Luckily, most fruits just require a quick wash, spin, and freeze.  But, I'm really going to miss the taste of fresh veggies this winter.  Grocery store varieties are nothing like farm picked.  And, I'm worried for my kids.  All you have to do to grasp the realities of what processed foods do to our taste buds is to look around at today's kids.  The number one veggie is a french fry.  Am I going to be able to sway my kids back to the "real" foods when this is all over, or will the processed ones win out in the end?
So, here I sit, in the heat of the summer, wishing that I could do more.  My garden, while plentiful, is being ignored.  Luckily, my good planning this winter seems to be keeping it alive.  I just hope that I can pick what is available, coax the tiny veggies into becoming full size, and eat my fill before they go bad.  I'd like to be able to stock up for the winter to come, but it looks like it's going to be a winter without the taste of summer mixed in.

First Day of the New Harvest

While my midwestern friends have been posting about their tomato harvests, here in upstate NY we are just planting our tender crops.  I spent most of the day laying out the garden, hoisting up supports, and setting out the plants I've grown from seed in a small window (aided by lights that I've been told "light up the neighborhood").
Aside from a nice sunburn, though, there's not a lot to be gained from this time of year here.
So, what's a transplanted midwesterner to do in the Northern regions?
I've learned to adapt.
There is a lot of fresh, local foods to be had here if you just know what to look for!  Last Friday, at my weekly foodshed pickup there was finally some green emerging from the tops of my bags!  Green garlic and asparagus along with a few tomato plants as an emergency backup for a few of my own that had a short but nasty encounter with a cold, wet morning.
Steam that green garlic and asparagus and toss it with fresh farfalle, roasted red peppers, a few chopped pieces of honey ham and a homemade bechamel sauce and I've got a great spring meal!  My favorite way to eat fresh asparagus, though, is brushed with a little olive oil and grilled for just a few minutes until tender.  YUM!

By the way, if you, like I once did, think you don't like asparagus, you need to give it another try.  This time, though, don't buy it from the supermarket. It's worth the extra effort to get it right from the farmer on the day it is harvested...completely different vegetable.
In my garden this weekend, I harvested the first in a long list of fruits and veggies that are to come: rhubarb.  Now, if you are one of my midwestern friends you may never have had an encounter with this tart celery like fruit...that is probably actually a vegetable. I have loved rhubarb since I was a kid, and was horribly disappointed to find that it would not grow in my Oklahoma garden.  Rhubarb likes cold nights, which it definitely gets plenty of where my garden is now.  The first summer I lived here, a neighbor gladly parted with several bags of rhubarb stalks.  One of them had the tiniest root attached.  I literally threw it in the garden, assuming it would compost...and now I have more rhubarb than I can use in a single season!
Today I cooked down some of it with (sadly, non-local) berries, sugar and cornstarch to make a sauce.  It is great in a spring pie, but it will not likely make it that far, as I can't keep my spoon out of it!

 

I also managed 2 loaves of rhubarb bread that keeps bringing my husband out the door looking for a snack.  Almost ready!
With the tiniest starts of the sugar snap peas and the sudden rows of salad greens and radishes that are sprouting with the past weeks rain, I know the season is on it's way.  But, for today, I was happy that I had my hands in the soil, my pots on the stove and a happy family eating my real food once again!

A new life!

I've been homebound now for 4 weeks, including a week spent shuttling back and forth to the hospital for IV hydration and medication.  To reflect, it is all for a good cause.  I unexpectedly found myself pregnant for the third time.  I have a history of having a love/hate relationship with food while pregnant, but this time I was totally blindsided with how much effort it took to keep even the smallest bit of food or fluid down.  During the first week, I was horrified as I was admitted to the hospital twice and finally released with a PICC line.  While I would love, under more enjoyable circumstances, to be told to stay home with my family and relax, I am currently the major source of income for our family.  Without my income, we would have very little to live on, and we would be forced to use up the small amount of money we had JUST set aside for a crisis.  

Even as I was fighting to stay upright without losing my lunch, though, I tried to look at the positive spin on this.  While I wouldn't have total freedom, maybe that is just what I needed. For years, I've been fighting chronic fatigue and stress levels that sent me to the doctor on more than one occasion.  While I started this blog, and a hopeful journey to a simplified life, I didn't realize that sometimes simplicity in life can actually cause an organizational nightmare for the one responsible for implementing it.  I can, and enjoy, all the simple things...sewing, gardening, preserving and cooking food.  However, I also had to maintain a full time job and be available to my family on my hours at home. As I started on this journey, I tried to do it all.  Some people gave me the title of supermom, but really, I was anything but.  For, really, simplifying my life should have been more about the time I have to spend with my family and relax.  If I was in a situation where I could stay home while my husband works, I would venture in that direction, and save me family money in areas where I can grow or make many of our needs.  But, the truth is, my family has to have health insurance.  Some families can make do without, eating right and getting proper rest to avoid some of the illnesses that modern life aggravates.  Our family, though, entered this journey with health conditions that have to be taken care of, and it can't be done with a healthy lifestyle alone.  Not having health insurance is not optional.  I don't just work for insurance, though.  I truly love my job.  I would still want to be involved in some aspect of my work even if I didn't get paid.  If babies were only born on 2 days out of the week, I could have the best of both worlds, but for now, I spend my days in maternal/child health and my evenings and weekends with my family. 

So, my unexpected time off work gave me lots of time to reflect on the past few years and how I've changed. It also allowed me to set new goals for myself, both professionally and personally.  Some of my goals are going to remain private, but most of them are going to hopefully reduce some of my overwhelming stress and change my life for the better. Without this pregnancy, and without this drastic need for rest and renewal, I would never have had this chance.  Everything does happen for a reason, and I'm glad I was able to see it.  I would never want my family to have to go through the burden of having to pick up where I left off, but I am able to see now that I really don't have to do everything all the time.  

So, what now?  I plan to return to work next week.  And I hope I don't fall into the trap of the supermom all over again.  If you see my house, it is anything but clean.  My kids are getting used to doing more for themselves. I am able to turn down activities and events without guilt.  I backed out of several responsibilities without worrying about who was going to take over.  And honestly, I'm glad. I hope I can find it in myself not to run so many errands, not to worry about how clean things are, and not to feel that I have to be a part of everything that happens around me.  Do I think I will feel overwhelmed again?  Yes.  Do I think I will do too much?  Yes. But, I hope that I can start to focus on the areas of life that are the most important and let other things go.  

As for my passion for the simple way of doing things, I still have it.  I still believe that me and my family should be eating healthy, real foods.  I believe in supporting the local producers over the mass marketing.  I would like to sew more and create rather than shop.  But, I also realize now that sometimes simple is a process and not an immediate change that can be made.  

My focus for now is to get through one day at a time.  My long term goal is to rely more on my own skills and those of locals than the mass marketed products of others.  The interesting thing is that it took me being knocked down to be able to look up.  And I am thankful for every minute of every day that I've had to be able to rest my body and renew my thoughts again.

Balance!

Have you ever felt like it might be better just to erase it all and start over...well, me too.  At least as far as blogging goes.  I'm not planning to erase this blog, but I'm thinking of ending it here and starting again.  Yes, my life has become more simplified, but at a cost to other parts of my life.  I've had to re-evaluate and think about what I'm really striving for here.
Most people see me as a granola mom who tries to keep the kids playing outside and the food in the house wholesome and organic.  Other people will say they never see my without my big pink cup of coffee (preferably from Starbucks or Holland Farms!) in one hand and my iphone in the other.
I sent my kindergartener to school with specially packed lunches for months and then, suddenly realized that for only $2 a day, she could learn to make her own choices and eat more variety.  I spend lots of time trying to instill in my girls the value of reduce, reuse, recycle, and then I plop them in front of the TV so I can play on facebook.
I love to garden, and I love to cook.  Due to lack of time, though, I find that most of the time I'd rather order out.  And the lure of pre-chopped veggies is sometimes more than I can resist to the ones I have to harvest, wash, and prepare (although, the taste is usually second rate).
I'd love to say I walk everywhere within a mile of my house, but I'm usually packing the kids in the SUV just to drive down the hill a block to my parent's house.  I preach that kids are overscheduled these days, but I overschedule myself to the very limits of my capability.
So, I've decided.  What I need for 2011 is not more simplification, it's BALANCE.  So what if I'm gardening with the help of an iphone app.  Who cares if my daughter orders lunch at school when she's in love with fresh fruit?  My youngest eats a diet that consists mostly of salad and candy.  Both my daughters know how to express themselves artistically and they know almost all the words to the Glee Christmas special.
The one thing I want to express here is my true self.  So, as soon as I've come up with a new blog name, feel free to join me...you may see me contradict myself, but you'll always get one thing...the truth!

Winter Squash Risotto

This recipe I made last night was adapted from the Winter Squash Risotto with Seared Radicchio from Deborah Madison's Local Flavors (one of my go-to-cookbooks for seasonal recipes.)  Her version used seared radicchio, but I had none on hand.  I used fresh sage (which is still tasty after I unearthed it from the blanket of snow covering my garden) and a small handful of pancetta to make it a one dish meal.

6 cups chicken stock
1 cup cooked winter squash
sea salt and freshly ground pepper
3 Tbsp butter
1 onion, finely diced
1 1/2 cups Arborio rice
1/3 cup diced pancetta (optional)
1/4 cup fresh sage leaves, chopped
1 cup shredded Gruyere cheese
freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano for garnishing

1.  Heat the stock and simmer on the stovetop before beginning the risotto.  Melt the butter in a seperate large stockpot.  Add the onion and cook over medium heat until wilted and golden in color, about 5 minutes.  Add the rice, stir to coat and cook for 1 minute.  Turn the heat to high and add 2 cups of the simmering stock.  Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally.  When all the liquid is absorbed, begin adding 1/2 cup of stock at a time, stirring constantly.  Once you've added 4 cups of the stock, stir in the squash, sage, and pancetta.  Continue cooking, stirring, and adding liquid until the rice is tender and the sauce is creamy.

2.  When the rice is done, add the Gruyere cheese and stir until melted in.  Season with salt and pepper to taste.  Serve in large pasta bowls with fresh grated Parmesan cheese on top.

The lean, green cleaning machine

So, after my last post, I decided it was time to switch the focus of my efforts.  The weather is not cooperating much for outdoor garden work anymore, and the veggies coming in are storable in their original form (winter squash, potatoes, carrots, garlic) or ready to be eaten right away (cold weather greens).  Unfortunately, my dancing girls keep me hopping to dance practice several nights a week, so my time to get organized is still minimal.  So, I talked it over with my super fabulous boss (hi, Deb!) and set aside this weekend as an extra long weekend away from work.  Today is spent with family, being thankful for what I have.  Tomorrow, my oldest daughter's birthday, will be a mixture of family and planning.  Then, for the next 4 days, I have non-stop plans to declutter, organize, and clean.  I want this house whipped into shape before I head back to work on Wednesday.  I want to come home and have a space to relax in that isn't strewn with endless amounts of papers, unopened books, and little tiny pieces of toys.  I want LESS STUFF!  Really.  Of course, the buyer in me still read all the black Friday ads.  I decided that the only things worth getting were the storage tubs, so that must really mean I'm ready to do this!  (And, no, I will not be at Walmart at 3am for a storage tub...not even if it is less than half price!)
So, with a bottle of all natural cleaning spray and a few empty boxes under my arm, I'm off to see what I can free myself of this weekend!
(P.S. If you have any mad cleaning or organization skills, feel free to give me a call!  I can use all the help I can get!)

Being simple is not always simple

I haven't posted anything in over a month, and it's not that I've deviated from my path.  I just became overwhelmed and a little disillusioned by what my daily life had become.  My passions are the same.  I strive to feed my family on pure, whole foods.  I still maintain a large garden (two actually) where I produce bowls of salad and fresh veggies every day.  Those foods that I don't grow myself, meat, eggs and dairy, I find from local sources so I know the farmers that produce them and the standards from which they came.  My problem is that I have a serious lack of time in which to do anything with these glorious foods.  I love the gardening season in which I dig my hands into the rich earth, seed my heirloom veggies and watch the grow.  I love the early stages of the harvest from late spring to mid summer, when I base our meals on what is ready for harvest in the garden. I started getting more than a little overwhelmed this fall when I had a massive bounty in both my backyard and from the farmers in the area.  I just couldn't pass up the veggies that were arriving and I had plans to fill my deep freeze with bags of flash frozen veggies for use all winter.
There were a few weekend that I did nothing but stand in the kitchen all weekend and wash, chop, and blanch vegetables all day.  I made sauce, I prepared salsa, and we ate many fresh from the garden meals.  The only problem is, this is my side venture.  I still have to work Monday through Friday from sun up to dinner time.  The only time I have to do all this work is on those precious weekend days.  When I started this endeavor, I worked night shift 12 hours.  I had 3-4 days off each week to spend doing these tasks that can take up large chunks of time.  Now I have a few hours.
I am still glad I did what I did.  We have veggies to last for months.  Everything is healthy...grown locally, preserved with no added ingredients, and without pesticides or hormones.  We will continue to eat well for many months while snow blankets our upstate NY land.  Sadly, though, I feel that it came with a price.  Not monetary, in fact we saved a great deal of money this summer.  But, I feel that I missed a lot of time I could have spent with my family.  My oldest one morning asked me why I liked cooking better than her.  That was the last weekend I spent in the kitchen all weekend.
So, the challenge this winter is to figure out how to make a compromise.  It's fine to say you want to live a simple life, but when it makes life more challenging at the same time, is it worth it?  I'm not willing to give up my lifestyle principles of less stuff (which, if you saw my home you would know is my biggest hurdle to a more simple life) and more local support.  I'm also not willing to give up my job to be home more (my job requires the hours that I work and I'm lucky to have a job that I really really enjoy...even on those tough days).  So, how do I blend the two and not lose my mind or the time I have to spend with my family?  I have my mental work cut out for me this winter while I figure that out.  In the meantime, I'm going outside to enjoy the sunshine and then find one of those yummy bags of produce to heat up for dinner!