Tales from a frustrated pregnant mama

This is been the most frustrating season of my entire life.  I couldn't be more excited for Sophie's arrival this fall, but pregnancy and I do not get along.  At all.  Most of my readers already know the early part of this adventure...the month that somehow vanished into thin (literally) air in a wave of nausea and overwhelming weight loss.  I never expected to have to leave my job in order to survive my pregnancy, but that's just what I did.  Thank goodness for the ladies of our congregation, who made homemade meals several nights a week, and my parents who managed to supplement to get us through the month.  I spent the entire growing season last summer preserving food to use this winter/spring before the next harvest, and while most of it was used over the winter, the rest still sits, hoping that I will be well enough to make something delicious to eat.
But, the sad truth is that I'm just not well enough.  I was able to go back to work in mid April, and I do just fine getting through most work days.  Luckily, unlike with my other pregnancies, I am able to sit most of the day, and I can arrange my schedule around what allows me to feel my best.  Unfortunately, by the time I get home, all my energy has been used up.  I can continue to help support my family by working, but when I get home, I feel like a ghost of myself, unable to do much but lay down and mumble a few conversations.  My house is a wreck, and being able to stand in the kitchen to cook is too much.  Gone are the days of going to farms in the late afternoon, and spending most of the daylight hours in the garden.  And, all the while, most people think that since I'm "well enough" to work again, that I am fine.
I had a brief time of hope, where I felt decent.  I took my anti-nausea remedies regularly, and I was able to nurture my seedlings and get them arranged in attractive rows in the gardens out back.  I've even managed to keep them alive for a month after planting.  Most exciting, was that the short time I felt almost human was also strawberry season.  I was able to crawl around on my hands and knees and collect enough berries to put up 10 bags for the winter.  Still, during this time, I was able to squeeze out a few decent home cooked meals, but little else.  My family was lucky if I was able to cook 2-3 times a week.  So began our excessive restaurant visits.
The biggest problem with this period of time, is that I look and act healthy a great deal of the time.  In fact, if I am sitting or laying down, I feel pretty good.  I think that's why most people assume I am "back to normal."  But, I'm entering the phase of pregnancy that I like to call my fainting phase.  My first 2 pregnancies, because I was either caught off guard, or because of the extreme heat in the midwest, where I lived at the time, I actually fainted several times.  I even fainted during the labor and delivery of my 2nd child.  I don't really blame this on my pregnancy, because I've always been sensitive to extreme temperature changes.  In the midwestern heat, I don't adapt well to going from a well air conditioned building to the steamy outdoors.  My blood pressure bottoms out, and I can hit the floor quickly if I'm not extremely careful.  Pregnancy really seems to exacerbate this condition, though.  My blood vessels, whether due to hormonal changes or the pressure of the growing baby, don't seem to keep the circulation going enough to keep me going.  Again, this only affects me if I stand for too long.  The problem is that too long is really only a matter of a few minutes.  Have you ever tried to cook with fresh produce without standing up?  I can sit to chop and prepare, but most of the veggies still require me to get up and either throw them on the grill or the stovetop steamer.  And forget meat dishes.  I can't get past the raw meat long enough to cook it.  So, what I have now is an abundance of veggies and no way to prepare them unless they are in a raw salad.  If anyone wants to know what restaurants can do to an already struggling budget, just look at my bank account.  The taste of restaurant food, more times than not, is much worse than what I can make at home.  More than that, though, is my disappointment in not being able to feed my family in a way that I think is healthy.
Probably the saddest realization, though, comes from the fact that the effects from this will be a year long, not just for the next 4 months.  In order to preserve most veggies for the winter (which in upstate NY is looooooong!), I have to be able to wash, chop, boil, and blanch them.  This requires hours of standing in a hot kitchen some nights.  Did I find this past winter's eating to be worth it? YES!  Can I do it this year?  No.  I've tried, believe me, but it leaves me shaky and most often headed to my bed to rest when I'm right smack in the middle of a processing.  Sometimes I push it just a little too far and I get as far as the tunnel vision and hearing loss that happens right before I'm down. I haven't finished a cooking session yet, where I felt well enough to continue on with my day as planned.  Luckily, most fruits just require a quick wash, spin, and freeze.  But, I'm really going to miss the taste of fresh veggies this winter.  Grocery store varieties are nothing like farm picked.  And, I'm worried for my kids.  All you have to do to grasp the realities of what processed foods do to our taste buds is to look around at today's kids.  The number one veggie is a french fry.  Am I going to be able to sway my kids back to the "real" foods when this is all over, or will the processed ones win out in the end?
So, here I sit, in the heat of the summer, wishing that I could do more.  My garden, while plentiful, is being ignored.  Luckily, my good planning this winter seems to be keeping it alive.  I just hope that I can pick what is available, coax the tiny veggies into becoming full size, and eat my fill before they go bad.  I'd like to be able to stock up for the winter to come, but it looks like it's going to be a winter without the taste of summer mixed in.

First Day of the New Harvest

While my midwestern friends have been posting about their tomato harvests, here in upstate NY we are just planting our tender crops.  I spent most of the day laying out the garden, hoisting up supports, and setting out the plants I've grown from seed in a small window (aided by lights that I've been told "light up the neighborhood").
Aside from a nice sunburn, though, there's not a lot to be gained from this time of year here.
So, what's a transplanted midwesterner to do in the Northern regions?
I've learned to adapt.
There is a lot of fresh, local foods to be had here if you just know what to look for!  Last Friday, at my weekly foodshed pickup there was finally some green emerging from the tops of my bags!  Green garlic and asparagus along with a few tomato plants as an emergency backup for a few of my own that had a short but nasty encounter with a cold, wet morning.
Steam that green garlic and asparagus and toss it with fresh farfalle, roasted red peppers, a few chopped pieces of honey ham and a homemade bechamel sauce and I've got a great spring meal!  My favorite way to eat fresh asparagus, though, is brushed with a little olive oil and grilled for just a few minutes until tender.  YUM!

By the way, if you, like I once did, think you don't like asparagus, you need to give it another try.  This time, though, don't buy it from the supermarket. It's worth the extra effort to get it right from the farmer on the day it is harvested...completely different vegetable.
In my garden this weekend, I harvested the first in a long list of fruits and veggies that are to come: rhubarb.  Now, if you are one of my midwestern friends you may never have had an encounter with this tart celery like fruit...that is probably actually a vegetable. I have loved rhubarb since I was a kid, and was horribly disappointed to find that it would not grow in my Oklahoma garden.  Rhubarb likes cold nights, which it definitely gets plenty of where my garden is now.  The first summer I lived here, a neighbor gladly parted with several bags of rhubarb stalks.  One of them had the tiniest root attached.  I literally threw it in the garden, assuming it would compost...and now I have more rhubarb than I can use in a single season!
Today I cooked down some of it with (sadly, non-local) berries, sugar and cornstarch to make a sauce.  It is great in a spring pie, but it will not likely make it that far, as I can't keep my spoon out of it!

 

I also managed 2 loaves of rhubarb bread that keeps bringing my husband out the door looking for a snack.  Almost ready!
With the tiniest starts of the sugar snap peas and the sudden rows of salad greens and radishes that are sprouting with the past weeks rain, I know the season is on it's way.  But, for today, I was happy that I had my hands in the soil, my pots on the stove and a happy family eating my real food once again!

A new life!

I've been homebound now for 4 weeks, including a week spent shuttling back and forth to the hospital for IV hydration and medication.  To reflect, it is all for a good cause.  I unexpectedly found myself pregnant for the third time.  I have a history of having a love/hate relationship with food while pregnant, but this time I was totally blindsided with how much effort it took to keep even the smallest bit of food or fluid down.  During the first week, I was horrified as I was admitted to the hospital twice and finally released with a PICC line.  While I would love, under more enjoyable circumstances, to be told to stay home with my family and relax, I am currently the major source of income for our family.  Without my income, we would have very little to live on, and we would be forced to use up the small amount of money we had JUST set aside for a crisis.  

Even as I was fighting to stay upright without losing my lunch, though, I tried to look at the positive spin on this.  While I wouldn't have total freedom, maybe that is just what I needed. For years, I've been fighting chronic fatigue and stress levels that sent me to the doctor on more than one occasion.  While I started this blog, and a hopeful journey to a simplified life, I didn't realize that sometimes simplicity in life can actually cause an organizational nightmare for the one responsible for implementing it.  I can, and enjoy, all the simple things...sewing, gardening, preserving and cooking food.  However, I also had to maintain a full time job and be available to my family on my hours at home. As I started on this journey, I tried to do it all.  Some people gave me the title of supermom, but really, I was anything but.  For, really, simplifying my life should have been more about the time I have to spend with my family and relax.  If I was in a situation where I could stay home while my husband works, I would venture in that direction, and save me family money in areas where I can grow or make many of our needs.  But, the truth is, my family has to have health insurance.  Some families can make do without, eating right and getting proper rest to avoid some of the illnesses that modern life aggravates.  Our family, though, entered this journey with health conditions that have to be taken care of, and it can't be done with a healthy lifestyle alone.  Not having health insurance is not optional.  I don't just work for insurance, though.  I truly love my job.  I would still want to be involved in some aspect of my work even if I didn't get paid.  If babies were only born on 2 days out of the week, I could have the best of both worlds, but for now, I spend my days in maternal/child health and my evenings and weekends with my family. 

So, my unexpected time off work gave me lots of time to reflect on the past few years and how I've changed. It also allowed me to set new goals for myself, both professionally and personally.  Some of my goals are going to remain private, but most of them are going to hopefully reduce some of my overwhelming stress and change my life for the better. Without this pregnancy, and without this drastic need for rest and renewal, I would never have had this chance.  Everything does happen for a reason, and I'm glad I was able to see it.  I would never want my family to have to go through the burden of having to pick up where I left off, but I am able to see now that I really don't have to do everything all the time.  

So, what now?  I plan to return to work next week.  And I hope I don't fall into the trap of the supermom all over again.  If you see my house, it is anything but clean.  My kids are getting used to doing more for themselves. I am able to turn down activities and events without guilt.  I backed out of several responsibilities without worrying about who was going to take over.  And honestly, I'm glad. I hope I can find it in myself not to run so many errands, not to worry about how clean things are, and not to feel that I have to be a part of everything that happens around me.  Do I think I will feel overwhelmed again?  Yes.  Do I think I will do too much?  Yes. But, I hope that I can start to focus on the areas of life that are the most important and let other things go.  

As for my passion for the simple way of doing things, I still have it.  I still believe that me and my family should be eating healthy, real foods.  I believe in supporting the local producers over the mass marketing.  I would like to sew more and create rather than shop.  But, I also realize now that sometimes simple is a process and not an immediate change that can be made.  

My focus for now is to get through one day at a time.  My long term goal is to rely more on my own skills and those of locals than the mass marketed products of others.  The interesting thing is that it took me being knocked down to be able to look up.  And I am thankful for every minute of every day that I've had to be able to rest my body and renew my thoughts again.