This is been the most frustrating season of my entire life. I couldn't be more excited for Sophie's arrival this fall, but pregnancy and I do not get along. At all. Most of my readers already know the early part of this adventure...the month that somehow vanished into thin (literally) air in a wave of nausea and overwhelming weight loss. I never expected to have to leave my job in order to survive my pregnancy, but that's just what I did. Thank goodness for the ladies of our congregation, who made homemade meals several nights a week, and my parents who managed to supplement to get us through the month. I spent the entire growing season last summer preserving food to use this winter/spring before the next harvest, and while most of it was used over the winter, the rest still sits, hoping that I will be well enough to make something delicious to eat.
But, the sad truth is that I'm just not well enough. I was able to go back to work in mid April, and I do just fine getting through most work days. Luckily, unlike with my other pregnancies, I am able to sit most of the day, and I can arrange my schedule around what allows me to feel my best. Unfortunately, by the time I get home, all my energy has been used up. I can continue to help support my family by working, but when I get home, I feel like a ghost of myself, unable to do much but lay down and mumble a few conversations. My house is a wreck, and being able to stand in the kitchen to cook is too much. Gone are the days of going to farms in the late afternoon, and spending most of the daylight hours in the garden. And, all the while, most people think that since I'm "well enough" to work again, that I am fine.
I had a brief time of hope, where I felt decent. I took my anti-nausea remedies regularly, and I was able to nurture my seedlings and get them arranged in attractive rows in the gardens out back. I've even managed to keep them alive for a month after planting. Most exciting, was that the short time I felt almost human was also strawberry season. I was able to crawl around on my hands and knees and collect enough berries to put up 10 bags for the winter. Still, during this time, I was able to squeeze out a few decent home cooked meals, but little else. My family was lucky if I was able to cook 2-3 times a week. So began our excessive restaurant visits.
The biggest problem with this period of time, is that I look and act healthy a great deal of the time. In fact, if I am sitting or laying down, I feel pretty good. I think that's why most people assume I am "back to normal." But, I'm entering the phase of pregnancy that I like to call my fainting phase. My first 2 pregnancies, because I was either caught off guard, or because of the extreme heat in the midwest, where I lived at the time, I actually fainted several times. I even fainted during the labor and delivery of my 2nd child. I don't really blame this on my pregnancy, because I've always been sensitive to extreme temperature changes. In the midwestern heat, I don't adapt well to going from a well air conditioned building to the steamy outdoors. My blood pressure bottoms out, and I can hit the floor quickly if I'm not extremely careful. Pregnancy really seems to exacerbate this condition, though. My blood vessels, whether due to hormonal changes or the pressure of the growing baby, don't seem to keep the circulation going enough to keep me going. Again, this only affects me if I stand for too long. The problem is that too long is really only a matter of a few minutes. Have you ever tried to cook with fresh produce without standing up? I can sit to chop and prepare, but most of the veggies still require me to get up and either throw them on the grill or the stovetop steamer. And forget meat dishes. I can't get past the raw meat long enough to cook it. So, what I have now is an abundance of veggies and no way to prepare them unless they are in a raw salad. If anyone wants to know what restaurants can do to an already struggling budget, just look at my bank account. The taste of restaurant food, more times than not, is much worse than what I can make at home. More than that, though, is my disappointment in not being able to feed my family in a way that I think is healthy.
Probably the saddest realization, though, comes from the fact that the effects from this will be a year long, not just for the next 4 months. In order to preserve most veggies for the winter (which in upstate NY is looooooong!), I have to be able to wash, chop, boil, and blanch them. This requires hours of standing in a hot kitchen some nights. Did I find this past winter's eating to be worth it? YES! Can I do it this year? No. I've tried, believe me, but it leaves me shaky and most often headed to my bed to rest when I'm right smack in the middle of a processing. Sometimes I push it just a little too far and I get as far as the tunnel vision and hearing loss that happens right before I'm down. I haven't finished a cooking session yet, where I felt well enough to continue on with my day as planned. Luckily, most fruits just require a quick wash, spin, and freeze. But, I'm really going to miss the taste of fresh veggies this winter. Grocery store varieties are nothing like farm picked. And, I'm worried for my kids. All you have to do to grasp the realities of what processed foods do to our taste buds is to look around at today's kids. The number one veggie is a french fry. Am I going to be able to sway my kids back to the "real" foods when this is all over, or will the processed ones win out in the end?
So, here I sit, in the heat of the summer, wishing that I could do more. My garden, while plentiful, is being ignored. Luckily, my good planning this winter seems to be keeping it alive. I just hope that I can pick what is available, coax the tiny veggies into becoming full size, and eat my fill before they go bad. I'd like to be able to stock up for the winter to come, but it looks like it's going to be a winter without the taste of summer mixed in.
