Even as I was fighting to stay upright without losing my lunch, though, I tried to look at the positive spin on this. While I wouldn't have total freedom, maybe that is just what I needed. For years, I've been fighting chronic fatigue and stress levels that sent me to the doctor on more than one occasion. While I started this blog, and a hopeful journey to a simplified life, I didn't realize that sometimes simplicity in life can actually cause an organizational nightmare for the one responsible for implementing it. I can, and enjoy, all the simple things...sewing, gardening, preserving and cooking food. However, I also had to maintain a full time job and be available to my family on my hours at home. As I started on this journey, I tried to do it all. Some people gave me the title of supermom, but really, I was anything but. For, really, simplifying my life should have been more about the time I have to spend with my family and relax. If I was in a situation where I could stay home while my husband works, I would venture in that direction, and save me family money in areas where I can grow or make many of our needs. But, the truth is, my family has to have health insurance. Some families can make do without, eating right and getting proper rest to avoid some of the illnesses that modern life aggravates. Our family, though, entered this journey with health conditions that have to be taken care of, and it can't be done with a healthy lifestyle alone. Not having health insurance is not optional. I don't just work for insurance, though. I truly love my job. I would still want to be involved in some aspect of my work even if I didn't get paid. If babies were only born on 2 days out of the week, I could have the best of both worlds, but for now, I spend my days in maternal/child health and my evenings and weekends with my family.
So, my unexpected time off work gave me lots of time to reflect on the past few years and how I've changed. It also allowed me to set new goals for myself, both professionally and personally. Some of my goals are going to remain private, but most of them are going to hopefully reduce some of my overwhelming stress and change my life for the better. Without this pregnancy, and without this drastic need for rest and renewal, I would never have had this chance. Everything does happen for a reason, and I'm glad I was able to see it. I would never want my family to have to go through the burden of having to pick up where I left off, but I am able to see now that I really don't have to do everything all the time.
So, what now? I plan to return to work next week. And I hope I don't fall into the trap of the supermom all over again. If you see my house, it is anything but clean. My kids are getting used to doing more for themselves. I am able to turn down activities and events without guilt. I backed out of several responsibilities without worrying about who was going to take over. And honestly, I'm glad. I hope I can find it in myself not to run so many errands, not to worry about how clean things are, and not to feel that I have to be a part of everything that happens around me. Do I think I will feel overwhelmed again? Yes. Do I think I will do too much? Yes. But, I hope that I can start to focus on the areas of life that are the most important and let other things go.
As for my passion for the simple way of doing things, I still have it. I still believe that me and my family should be eating healthy, real foods. I believe in supporting the local producers over the mass marketing. I would like to sew more and create rather than shop. But, I also realize now that sometimes simple is a process and not an immediate change that can be made.
My focus for now is to get through one day at a time. My long term goal is to rely more on my own skills and those of locals than the mass marketed products of others. The interesting thing is that it took me being knocked down to be able to look up. And I am thankful for every minute of every day that I've had to be able to rest my body and renew my thoughts again.
